Although I’m a single college student, I can tell you that I’ve had my fair share of relationship problems. Last year I discovered that one of my best friends had said something really bad about me to some of my friends behind my back. I found out about it through one of my other friends. I’m someone who tends to avoid conflict. At first, I just didn’t want to ever see him again. For days, I went out of my way to avoid seeing him or even talking to him. I was so mad that I thought I was going to punch him or at least say something that I would regret. So, I just avoided him for days. I kept playing out scenarios in my head about what I would say to him when I saw him again. I couldn’t concentrate on much and was distracted by my feeling of being betrayed. I even skipped some classes he and I had together to avoid seeing him.

I kept praying about it and asking God for wisdom about how to handle the situation. I talked to one of my friends and mentors who often helps me find the right path in such times. He taught me that I have to begin with forgiveness. No matter what happens, I always have to forgive because if I don’t forgive someone, I empower what they did to me to control me. Unforgiveness always robs us of peace and joy no matter what someone did to us and no matter whether they ask for forgiveness or not.

Second, he taught me that real love is unconditional and confrontational love. First, it means that I am committed to loving my friend even when he does something wrong to me. My relationship with them is more important to me than protecting myself from getting hurt again. Naturally if someone continues a pattern of hurting me without change, I have to reevaluate whether I can continue to invest in that friendship or not. He also taught me that love is confrontational. In other words, if I love someone, I am not going to let me get away with some behavior that is negative. I at least have to confront them about it and the rest is up to them. If they don’t respond with repentance and change, at least I’ve loved them as much as I can. If they aren’t teachable, then I need to reconsider the long-term viability of that friendship.

Confrontation is really hard for me but I did it anyway. I discovered that what I was told he had said wasn’t really correct. He had said some things that weren’t positive but my other friend had misunderstood him some too. After I confronted my friend, he apologized and we hugged and cried and it really brought us closer together. He and I now talk about things at a level we never did before. He also went back to the other people he had said those things to and apologized to them and corrected some misunderstandings. It really increased my confidence in him and my appreciation for our friendship.