I was like bitter wine and no one wanted share the wine with me and I became lonely and withdrawn from people.  I took refuge in booze, sex, anger, aggressiveness, jealousy, envy, and all the things that is repelling to God and yet in the back of my mind I knew about Him.  I knew when to call on Him when I need him and not when he needs me and for that I had to ask forgiveness.  It was trying times finding and searching for my true self and it took me to come to Saudi to find that answer. 

I left South Africa on a very positive note and when I was at the airport there was no tears as I felt at peace and just new that I made the right decision coming here.  I was so filled with enthusiasm that I was telling people that I am positive and this is were God want to use me and yet 3 months down the road I lost it.  I was unhappy in my work, I was unhappy in my relationships and although for a brief moment happy with what I have achieved in gaining a new friend was soon to be the reason for me to look at my life and go down on my knees and repent.  I had to give myself to God.  I had to take up the Word of God to find myself and to find Him.  My Christmas was filled with sadness although I was sending Christmas wishes to my friends and started to write a message and that message came from deep inside of me as I was about to sleep that afternoon.  I was hurting so much inside about Lelanie pushing me away that I felt anger and people I tried everything to salvage that friendship I thought was real.  My mistake was my choice of words and how I used my words to get what I want.  I also used means that was so inhuman and had to pray for forgiveness and to give my life to Jesus.

I was crying over what she had.  I was crying about the fact that she was constantly in front of the computer and not talking anymore and the silence was driving me insane and the light that was shining in her was making me jealous cause that is what I wanted.  That is what I needed and hungered for and yet I told her that I loved her and I was having these devilish thoughts about her and at night when I closed my eyes I was fantasizing about all this and more and after the fight over that period I am coming out of hiding with an intense remorse of what I done and find her hiding from me but it is not hurting me anymore.  I am smiling at every chance I get thinking about what she is doing and Jesus and I talk everyday and when it hurt I ask of Him to give me the tools to accept and go on and so it has happened.

How much joy is there not in one lost soul repenting and moving back to Jesus?  I was so much counting on other peoiple to make me happy and inside I was dying and now I just yearn for what God is telling me everyday and listening to His messages.  At night my mind and thoughts are 99% pure and is there no fantasies and do I talk to my Friend God and then I fall asleep in His arms.  I want to thank him this morning for being with me through the night.  Father you have protected me through the night and I awoke this morning feeling a bit miserable but I find myself loosening up and talking about you.  You have guided me through each day and you have put The Vine, Global Outreach on my path as well as Richard from Ghana on my road to strengthened my courage to move on and take control of my life and take you as my saviour!  You just dont know how much gratitude I have in my heart for what your presence is doing in my life.  I smile at every opportunity and yet I want more.  I want to know more and no person will ever have the chance to break this tea cup of yours!  No devil will ever find resting place in this soul.  Thank you for my life this morning and my sound mind and may you have a Good Day My Lord. Amen